Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Something has gotta give - Anxiety...

I've had a rough two weeks.  I always think I can deal with everything on my own, but I have realized that "dealing" isn't really something I am very good at.  I need encouragement to get me through.  So, here's where y'all come in. 

This is a tough subject for me to talk about.  I have pretty severe anxiety.  I think my anxiety stems from being an only child that assumes everyone thinks I must be perfect.  Yes, I know that isn't realistic, but the thoughts are there.  When I say anxiety, I don't just mean that I am a little worried on a little nervous.  When I say anxiety, I mean - hole up in my office at work and avoid all coworkers; no full night of sleep because I wake up thinking about all kinds of crazy scenarios; eating when I am not hungry because it just might make the annoying thoughts in my head go away (no, this definitely doesn't work); making big, horrible, mean assumptions out of very simple things other say; etc. 

The past 2 weeks have been full of anxiety and this is the first time I have mentioned it to anyone.  I feel like I have been hiding behind a veil.  I have tried to remain outwardly calm, but my insides are like Mexican jumpin' beans.  I can't continue on that path or I will take myself backwards about a year.  That just won't work.  I refuse to go back to last year when my anxiety was at its worst. 
I am gonna get through this though and here's how:
  • Continue to take my meds - Thank goodness for the miracles of modern medicine.  While I know that meds are not a total fix, they do help reduce the effect of anxiety on my daily life
  • Get back to running - I have only run once since the half marathon  on May 14.  I am hoping that my doctor will be pleased with my recovery from a nagging knee issue and release me to run after my appointment tomorrow.  Running is meditation for me.  Even if I am running with someone, running just brings a peace to my soul.
  • Take deep breaths and do what I can - I am not and cannot be responsible for everyone else.  This is most true at work.  I tend to think that if something has to be done that I need to do it, or it won't be right.  Oh well...  Others need to put on their big girl panties and take responsibility.
  • Cook/bake - I gain a lot of joy/calm vibes when I cook and bake, especially when it is for someone else.  Friday evening, I made a big crockpot full of chili for some friends that just had a sweet baby boy - delivering it to them on Saturday morning felt so good.  Now, if I can just find some more people to cook/bake for on a regular basis!
  • Be me - I have a problem with anxiety.  Denying the issue isn't helping anything.  If I embrace that I have an issue with anxiety, not only will I help myself but I may be able to help someone else.
So, that's it.... Hopefully this funk-alicious mess will calm down soon!


  1. I deal with anxiety on a regular basis as well, and it is so frustrating. It's one of those things that goes up and down and the minute I think it's gone forever, it creeps back into my life. Medication is definitely something that helps, but the other stuff you've listed is great as well! Writing, bubble baths or just talking it out really helps me if I'm having a hard time. I also struggle with judgment and perception and have to remind myself constantly that nobody is perfect and that the best I can do is be myself. :)

  2. So glad you have a plan for dealing with this. I love that you included allowing yourself to just 'be'.